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Friday

July 24, 2020

Happy July 20, 20, 20, 20, 2020, Fellow Chronologists,

Yes, we know today is July 24 because we have peered into the future. "Actual Today", right here right now in the newsroom, is Monday, July 20, and because of the 20/20/20/20 alignment of the day and the year, the math department frothified and the dam of all-we-must-say on the 24th burst prematurely. Oy. Forthwith:

In lieu of actually addressing the lingering, festering, grappling-hooked question of what is the human mission in the universe, or at least the county, the damn dam burst with a list – thanks to Jonathan Doff of tetchy Oakland, California. And not just any list, but a list that uncoils from an underutilized actual word: Paraprosdokian.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is surprising, causing the reader to re-frame the first part. They are frequently used for Flossophical or dramatic effects. (Winston Churchill is said to have loved them almost as much as drinking on the job, or his favorite onesie.)

  1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  5. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  9. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
  12. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  13. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  14. I asked God for a bike, but apparently God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  16. You're never too old to learn something stupid. (The raison d'être of Flossophy Friday.)

All this smart stupidity makes everyone very happy. Now we just want to look at flowers.
Hi, Biscus!
Lilies of the Alley
Leaves are flowers, too
Another kind of flowering . . .
We will fuss over the meaning of life when it warms up a little. And in case you haven’t seen flowers before, and are not familiar with the concept, we understand that they can be rather shocking. In order to reorient, it can help to realize that flowers are plants having sex.
Fictionary Friday: Words You Need. Whether you know it or not.
Mainiarchy (may neee ark eee) Noun:  Leadership by hysteria.
In a sentence:  Surrounded by mainiarchy, Shirley Knott longed for the days when government was merely horrible, not a sinkhole that was Russian all the way to China.

Fizzdom Friday: from our collection of favorite quotes.
"You make me wish I were not fluent in English."
– Laura Bush to George

"Money doesn't change men, it merely unmasks them.
If a man is naturally selfish or arrogant or greedy,
the money brings that out, that's all." – Henry Ford

Wikipedia Friday Favorite:
In honor of the intersection of curiosity and logarithmically expanding human knowledge, we offer a weekly favorite obscure Wikipedia page. And since we’re more than half way to "The Holidays" – whatever they may be this year – we are throwing in some extras because you’ve been pretty good so far, at least according to what some people are saying. And besides, who loves ya’?




Write if you (do) or (do not) stop to smell the Lilies of the Alley.

Yours in flowering,
Jonathan
www.jonathanmarcus.org

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