Our Content Review Committee notes dryly that in recent weeks we have discussed hair, bricks, whiplash, energy in the universe through the portal of Kansas, time, and more bricks.
The Content Review Committee suggests, “Perhaps a unifying theme would help with all the craziness going on. Why don’t you do something funny about time?”
Well, time may be the unifying element here, but time is not known for inherent hilarity like, say, hairballs and bankruptcy.
Gleeful Speed Reading
in the Flossophy of Fongress Library
Anyway, as Socrates or somebody a little like him probably said, “Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
Well, guess what – everything is happening at once***, so time is a complete and utter failure! You heard it here first. You’re welcome. Therefore, we are exercising the authority vested in us by our dominant delusions, and hereby replace “time” with the vastly superior dimension to be known as Grövnschaltz. We are working on the definition and are open for suggestions, so this is your big chance. Don’t fuck it up. Send ‘em in.
Reader Replies of the Week: Meanwhile, we have enjoyed great buoyancy from our readers testifying on the obsolete concept of “Time.” Maybe these wonderful contributions will be folded into Grövnschaltz unless you come up
with something better. And maybe they have too much time on their hands. And their feet.
William Morar of East Point, Georgia, makes a point worthy of West Point:
"Time has to be the first dimension, because it takes time to measure things and stuff."
Solid point, William. It takes time to measure space. Everyone thinks space came first, but no. Obviously, it took time to make space, so time came first. The best part of all this is the fact that everyone was wrong.
Kay Kephart of Decatur, Georgia, says,
"I stopped time on mountain tops drinking wine, and the first time I heard the Beatles, but am NOT able to stop time here and now, looking at the white walls while my dog, Trotsky, scratches fleas."
The best part of all this is a dog named Trotsky. We’d like Trotsky to warp time by jogging backwards.
You Have Earned One More Brief Pictorial Digression!
Unretouched Photo of Stopped Time
Fictionary Friday: Words You Need. Whether you know it or not.
Cantdidate(kannt tidd date) Noun: A person who runs for office because they want to spend less time with their family.
In a sentence: In the fourth month of quarantine with her family, a disheveled and frantic May Fairre trotskied to file her petition as cantidate for Dogcatcher.
(Note to the residents of RVA: The filing deadline is extended to June 23!)
Wikipedia Friday Favorite: In honor of the intersection of curiosity and logarithmically expanding human knowledge, we offer a weekly favorite obscure Wikipedia page, in the spirit of warped times.
