This end of the month/beginning of the month thing flummoxed up the entire staff, and as certified Third Responders™, staff is all too eager to lounge below decks while able skipper, Dean Goodman, of Mineral Bluff, Georgia, deftly eases the mighty clipper Flossophy Thursday Night down the Toccoa River.
Reader Reply Of The Week: Captain Goodman dictates to his scribe from the quarter deck while gentling the tiller away from riverbanks festooned in mountain laurel :
I have chosen Illusion, Parking and Lingerie for the realms over which my Goddess reigns. Since the connection between these qualities is quite obvious, I will not insult you with base explanations. Suffice it to say that looking for a parking space in the rabbit-holes we call underground garages can put your panties in a
bunch. When, after driving up and down those dark rows of endless cars for hours, you have determined that no such space exists, you must dejectedly try find your way out. So you follow the EXIT signs. At the end of each row is an EXIT sign. You follow them for what seems to be a short eternity without so much as a glimmer of daylight. It is an endless maze of dank tunnels. You can't get out. The Goddess Metremaidia, to her eternal discredit, finds this hilarious.
The Goddess Metremaidia
Meanwhile, staff huddles shamelessly below decks, well removed from any hope of accomplishment, and shrinking from pervasive discourse clogged with positive role models. Yuk. It’s a traffic jam of wannabe perfection, with hogs of self-improvement squishing each other in the escalator queue.
And all in search of some Friday Fluff:
The perfection thing is a pain in the ass and everyone is pretty miserable about it, because we’ll never measure up. Staff decides that we yearn for negative role models who disappear below decks and accomplish nothing. A baseline of abject failure is exactly what our nation needs right now. As a service to the community, we have identified the Seven Habits of Highly Unsuccessful People that any idiot can emulate:
Over-thinking
Sun worship
Incorrect Flossing, esp. on Friday
Loud Mumbling
Orienting landscape photos in portrait mode
Speaking Flemish in Québec
Staring into space
Inability to count to seven
Stingy with the ketchup
Believing in the internet
And meanwhile (once again, bailing us out), Chris Cox of ethereal Richmond, Virginia, betrays our failure ethos and emerges from the deep with - - -
Fictionary Friday: Words You Need. Whether you know it or not.
Psychosemantic(sigh koe sem man tik) Adjective: Conviction that your statement is true, right, correct, and divine despite ghastly calamities proving the opposite. (Thanks, Chris! It’s a real pick-me-up!)
In a sentence: In the throws of a psychosemantic episode, we thought we had a great sentence, but all we had was this. Wikipedia Friday Favorite: In honor of the intersection of curiosity and logarithmically expanding human knowledge, we offer a weekly favorite obscure Wikipedia page. Check out a guy who turned abject failure into ridiculous success.
